I believe
Some days I look around my small world and wonder, is this where I am supposed to be? But in reality, are we supposed to be anywhere or is this exhistance just the result of every small choice we have ever made?
The billions of us, waking up each morning thinking about our trivial lives continue on with whatever our surroundings has told us is acceptable. Our upbringings teach us what to expect in life. We strive for goals. We push through hard times believing that good will come to us. But what is good? Is good finding your love, raising children, having a job that makes you feel fullfilled? But why is there not a class or a teacher that tells us to expect the worst? Why is there not a part of our upbringing that tells us that the fairy tales and the stories are nothing more than the dreams of those of us who will never achieve the happiness we perceive others are having. But what if there is no such thing has happiness. What if they go home to their beautiful homes, their spouses, their children and sit in an expensive chair, look out their window and think "is this really it?". Is everyone just trying to get to the next level thinking that when they get there they will find the happiness?
I have been through, what I thought, was a lot. I have been through bad people, bad situations, bad choices, bad results thinking for short amounts of time that I have conquered what it is inside of me that puts myself there. But what if it is just this world? What if this world is just one trial after another? The idea of bringing a family into a world I can not even comprehend or get a grip on is baffling. The idea of living the rest of this exhistence that is me is scary. The idea that one day it will all come together does not even seem to be possible. It is a fairy tale.
The people around me seem to have no comprehension of what the world is. They do not understand how small they are and how much they do not matter. Instead they feel they need to lie and put on a face to pretend they are perfect. They ignore the reality. They ignore the bad happening all around. They ignore the sick, the starving, the dying and concentrate on the stupid realities they surround themselves with. Money, belongings, perception... but why? Why does it matter when even the ones that they claim are their family are struggling. It is easier to pretend that everyone is perfect, live the lie. All the while they are tying the noose because there will be one day when, while they are lying to others to make themselves look perfect, their loved ones swing in the breeze behind closed doors. Hell, I wouldnt even be surprised if they bold face lied at their funeral to try and make themselves look accomplished - as though it was a fluke. As though it was a terrible tragedy with no warning signs.
Around the world people suffer. Around the world people are being killed, persecuted. Around the world children cry to a mother that was raped and killed in front of their eyes for simply being a woman. We pray to whatever god we are told is the true god. We shuffle through our day to day pretending that our sons, brothers, friends, strangers are not out fighting for causes no one truly believes in. We paint our faces and idealize people who flaunt their money, who flaunt their wealth in our faces as though they were born on a pedestal and we are not even worth the air they breath.
I wonder sometimes, if I choose the right people. I wonder if maybe I wall myself off from the world because I know that, in the end, we are all just alone anyways. That the dream of being married was simply a custom I felt I needed to follow to be accepted. I wonder if everyday I made the mistake living this life and not giving up my existence to all of the causes I feel so passionate about but can never act on. I had a dream once, that I would give up every piece of material good I owned. I would pack a small bag and take whatever money I had and find a cause, far away, another country, another world, and put all of my efforts into helping those people who were just born in those worlds. They did nothing to deserve the treatment they receive. Centuries of humans killing humans because we are too self conscious. Has anyone ever thought that maybe this world we live in is actually hell? that we were once souls who did so much wrong that this was our punishment. And after this, we are shown the world that we were meant for but that we ruined because we were afraid that someone who was different would take it away....
We medicate, we surround ourselves with beautiful things to try and forget all of the shadows that follow us. But what makes any one of us different? What makes us be able to say "this is right... you are not"? Why is it that no matter how much I try, I am always surrounded by hate? Is it my punishment for the decisions I have made? Am I supposed to continue loving these people because I am bound to them by a fake vow or by blood? Why is this to be expected? Why can I not see these people, their values, their livestyles, the way they treat others, the way they paint themselves a mask of personal deception and simply leave? Could it be because no matter what I will always be surrounded by people like that? That there is no group of people or belief, religion, lifestyle in this world where we just believe that no matter what there is good in all of us and that good should be released to all and given back in return? Why must everything have a catch? Why does there have to be a list of sins, of evil acts, of incorrect ways, of laws to abide by. Why can't we just celebrate the diversity that is human and the ability to part our lips, flex muscles in our chest, open our airways, and feel the oxygen fill our lungs - enrich our blood - and keep us alive? Those details, those miracles, shouldnt they be enough to be grateful?
I still have days when I think about piling everything I own into a pile and burning it. Being free of it. But now I have dedicated myself to the "plan"... I have given myself to this idealistic idea that if I serve my husband and my family I will be fulfilled. I will be the mother I was meant to be. I will be the wife I was meant to be. I will be, maybe one day, the grandmother I was meant to be - the aunt, the sister, the daughter, the friend, the neighbor, the employee... and maybe - if I block out enough of the world around me and concentrate on my small piece of it, I can find happiness.
If I dont, I wont be disappointed. This is the world that has been built by my choices.
The billions of us, waking up each morning thinking about our trivial lives continue on with whatever our surroundings has told us is acceptable. Our upbringings teach us what to expect in life. We strive for goals. We push through hard times believing that good will come to us. But what is good? Is good finding your love, raising children, having a job that makes you feel fullfilled? But why is there not a class or a teacher that tells us to expect the worst? Why is there not a part of our upbringing that tells us that the fairy tales and the stories are nothing more than the dreams of those of us who will never achieve the happiness we perceive others are having. But what if there is no such thing has happiness. What if they go home to their beautiful homes, their spouses, their children and sit in an expensive chair, look out their window and think "is this really it?". Is everyone just trying to get to the next level thinking that when they get there they will find the happiness?
I have been through, what I thought, was a lot. I have been through bad people, bad situations, bad choices, bad results thinking for short amounts of time that I have conquered what it is inside of me that puts myself there. But what if it is just this world? What if this world is just one trial after another? The idea of bringing a family into a world I can not even comprehend or get a grip on is baffling. The idea of living the rest of this exhistence that is me is scary. The idea that one day it will all come together does not even seem to be possible. It is a fairy tale.
The people around me seem to have no comprehension of what the world is. They do not understand how small they are and how much they do not matter. Instead they feel they need to lie and put on a face to pretend they are perfect. They ignore the reality. They ignore the bad happening all around. They ignore the sick, the starving, the dying and concentrate on the stupid realities they surround themselves with. Money, belongings, perception... but why? Why does it matter when even the ones that they claim are their family are struggling. It is easier to pretend that everyone is perfect, live the lie. All the while they are tying the noose because there will be one day when, while they are lying to others to make themselves look perfect, their loved ones swing in the breeze behind closed doors. Hell, I wouldnt even be surprised if they bold face lied at their funeral to try and make themselves look accomplished - as though it was a fluke. As though it was a terrible tragedy with no warning signs.
Around the world people suffer. Around the world people are being killed, persecuted. Around the world children cry to a mother that was raped and killed in front of their eyes for simply being a woman. We pray to whatever god we are told is the true god. We shuffle through our day to day pretending that our sons, brothers, friends, strangers are not out fighting for causes no one truly believes in. We paint our faces and idealize people who flaunt their money, who flaunt their wealth in our faces as though they were born on a pedestal and we are not even worth the air they breath.
I wonder sometimes, if I choose the right people. I wonder if maybe I wall myself off from the world because I know that, in the end, we are all just alone anyways. That the dream of being married was simply a custom I felt I needed to follow to be accepted. I wonder if everyday I made the mistake living this life and not giving up my existence to all of the causes I feel so passionate about but can never act on. I had a dream once, that I would give up every piece of material good I owned. I would pack a small bag and take whatever money I had and find a cause, far away, another country, another world, and put all of my efforts into helping those people who were just born in those worlds. They did nothing to deserve the treatment they receive. Centuries of humans killing humans because we are too self conscious. Has anyone ever thought that maybe this world we live in is actually hell? that we were once souls who did so much wrong that this was our punishment. And after this, we are shown the world that we were meant for but that we ruined because we were afraid that someone who was different would take it away....
We medicate, we surround ourselves with beautiful things to try and forget all of the shadows that follow us. But what makes any one of us different? What makes us be able to say "this is right... you are not"? Why is it that no matter how much I try, I am always surrounded by hate? Is it my punishment for the decisions I have made? Am I supposed to continue loving these people because I am bound to them by a fake vow or by blood? Why is this to be expected? Why can I not see these people, their values, their livestyles, the way they treat others, the way they paint themselves a mask of personal deception and simply leave? Could it be because no matter what I will always be surrounded by people like that? That there is no group of people or belief, religion, lifestyle in this world where we just believe that no matter what there is good in all of us and that good should be released to all and given back in return? Why must everything have a catch? Why does there have to be a list of sins, of evil acts, of incorrect ways, of laws to abide by. Why can't we just celebrate the diversity that is human and the ability to part our lips, flex muscles in our chest, open our airways, and feel the oxygen fill our lungs - enrich our blood - and keep us alive? Those details, those miracles, shouldnt they be enough to be grateful?
I still have days when I think about piling everything I own into a pile and burning it. Being free of it. But now I have dedicated myself to the "plan"... I have given myself to this idealistic idea that if I serve my husband and my family I will be fulfilled. I will be the mother I was meant to be. I will be the wife I was meant to be. I will be, maybe one day, the grandmother I was meant to be - the aunt, the sister, the daughter, the friend, the neighbor, the employee... and maybe - if I block out enough of the world around me and concentrate on my small piece of it, I can find happiness.
If I dont, I wont be disappointed. This is the world that has been built by my choices.
depressed
accomplished